Thursday, March 09, 2006

Desperately seeking "Normal"

Oh my God, I miss normal. I miss it with every fiber of my being. I ache for it.

I didn't realize how much until today. First, we had a "not normal" day, though one that has turned into normal ... today was chemo day. Little Warrior was supposed to begin a new chemo (doxorubicin) but it turns out that the echocardiogram showed that her heart isn't working the way it should. (It's having to work extra hard because the tumors are shoving everything up into her chest.)

So, because of that, we need to hold off on the doxorubicin, because it can cause problems on down the line. She'll see a cardiologist next week, then the cardio will meet with the oncologist and the surgeon and they'll determine whether the risk is worth it.

But that's not what made me realize how much I missed normal.

Back at home, I was looking for something in the hall closet. Rummaging there, I came across all of her cloth diapers.

The last time I looked at one of her cloth diapers was before this all began. Since she's on chemo, she has to use disposable diapers now, since we don't want excreted chemo going through our laundry, staying in her clothes, etc.

It's not like the cloth diapers are that big a deal to me. But just seeing them, it was like when you smell playdough and are instantly transported back to kindergarten. Except I was transported back to "normal." A place where I could do such wonderful things as go to the grocery store, or meet a friend for lunch with Little Warrior and Bo Peep in tow.

A place where I could look at Little Warrior and just see a cute little baby.


Kristen Halloran said...

I'm just going to comment here, even though this blog is long abandoned. Going to pretend like I have someone to talk to about this.

I hadn't even thought about the diapers. I have them all set at home, ready to use as soon as we get home from the hospital. But I guess we don't want chemo in the diapers. So I shall pack them away and hope to use them later.

Lizard Eater said...

Yeah, I think it was a nurse who pointed it out to me. But for us, we were able to use those cloth diaper in about 6 months.

I'm so sorry you're going through this! Feel free to connect with me at if you have any questions a "cancer mom" can help with.