Thursday, March 30, 2006

Paralyzed

I'm paralyzed.

There are so many things I need to do ... getting the clothes ready for my other three kids to minimize the chances that The Princess and the Boy can convince their grandma that really, truly, it's okay with Mom if they go to school in a ballerina outfit and ripped old clothes, respectively. Getting our bags all packed. Updating my iPod with the playlist of songs I put together for Little Warrior. Finding batteries for the cheapie speakers for the iPod. (Although, with all the other wires and tubes that will be coming from her, having her wear some earbuds would be pretty cute.) Finding my address book so I can write thank-you notes while we're in the hospital (yeah right). Finding all the stuff for the breast pump, since I won't be nursing her for several days.

But I'm paralyzed. It's taking all of my resources to hold it together and not just sit here bawling.

Okay, LE. You've got a to-do list, above. Stop checking your email every 30 seconds. What, you think you're going to get an email from God saying oops, it was all a mistake, and she doesn't really have cancer? That you've obviously learned all about pain and compassion and friends, so the lesson is over?

It isn't coming. Get off your ass and get moving.

2 comments:

Anne said...

Oh honey..Im so sorry. I know what this nervous energy freak out feels like.

Im sending you hugs and lots of love. I will be thinking about you and your family..

Anonymous said...

More hugs and thoughts and prayers for the best outcome. What is amazing about kids is how resilient they can be and how she may be able to bounce back if they get all the bad stuff out.

Having been through a 5 hour surgery (for a rectal abcess) that was supposed to take much less time, with a 14 month old, I remember spending a lot of time that day in the beautiful chapel at our Children's Hospital in Cincinnati. Amazingly, we ran into a minister who we knew from a couple's group. Since he knew us, he was a great support going through this difficult time. The recovery process was long and challenging for us, and the result we have now is a healthy, beautiful 15 year old boy. Waiting for the surgery to begin, and then waiting for it to be over was not good. I hope you have some knitting, frivolous book, a phone call to talk with friends, and if possible, a place to try to nap so you can keep your strength up.

Wishing you all the best karma. Your baby is lucky to have you in her court.