Saturday, March 25, 2006

The Cold Times

What they always say about Times Like This is that "you'll be on a rollercoaster of emotions." Ain't that the truth.

My experience has been that the traditional lows ... when you're weepy and everything seems dark ... are not the worst part. Those are expected. You're scared, and you're sad, and you don't know how to get out of the low. But it's kind of like surfing. (I'm guessing, since I've never surfed.) Eventually, a new wave is going to come along and lift you up.

What has been far worse, for me, are the Cold Times. If someone were to look at you, they would think, Ah, she's doing better. She's handling it okay. You look "together." You're functioning well, you're not crying, you can talk quite logically about anything.

Anything. And there's the rub. During the Cold Times, you can have the most horrific thoughts ... and they don't affect you. You are cold and emotionless inside and you examine these thoughts with curiosity. Hmm, if the worst happens, I guess I'll just get rid of my nursing shirts. Hmm, if the worst happens, we'll take the crib out of our room. Hmm, if the worst happens, I guess we'll just use her room as a guest bedroom.

Eventually, the thoughts are so stark, so horrible, that you shock yourself back into some semblance of feeling and are then horrified at yourself. "How can I think such things???" And in my case, I scoop up Little Warrior and clutch her tightly, kissing her little ole head over and over and closing my mind to any of those excrutiating thoughts.

Until the Cold Times come again.


Anne said...

You give me such fabulous comments and here I cant think of what to say...but I know. I do the same thing. I think it is some sort of defense mechanism.

Thanks for showing me those top 10 lists. I just read every one of them. Funny stuff..


Lizard Eater said...

I love your comments and your blog, Anne. You seem to be unflinchingly honest, something I really admire.

Courage, Mate.