I will admit to watching the whole Haggard thing with a jaundiced eye. Really, don't most of us wonder, "gee, is he protesting too much?" when someone keeps railing about the sin of homosexuality?
But today, reading the letter he sent to his congregation, I found myself looking at the situation from the point of view of what I am -- a mama.
"There is part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I've been warring against it all of my adult life," he wrote.
The idea that one of my children could hold that sort of self-hatred inside ... my god, it sinks my heart.
I'm not going to get into all complexities -- hypocrisy, infidelity, etc. Others will comment on that.
But the idea that this man (I assume) grew up being taught that to be gay was so evil ... "repulsive," the word he used ... it physically hurts me, thinking of him holding that belief in his heart, while the attraction he felt was for men. The loathing he must have had and has, for himself.
My babies ... love and yeah, lust, are such an important part of what makes life rich. To hate yourself for that. To be disgusted by yourself. To think yourself evil.
According to CNN.com, "Focus on the Family founder James Dobson, one of three pastors named Sunday to counsel Haggard and his family, issued a statement Friday saying he was 'heartsick' upon learning of Haggard's admissions."
I am, too. But for a very different reason.