Last Time Around, probably one of the biggest spiritual issues with me, one that I internally, externally, and vociferously railed about, was the concept that Little Warrior getting cancer would in any way benefit the world, let alone me, personally.
Rather soon after her initial diagnosis, someone said to me that this would make me a better minister.
Which just goes to show that "message" is not as important, sometimes, as "messenger." Because I did not take this well, and not only did it not bring me comfort, it probably precipitated ice-cold atheism running through my veins. Oh yeah? She is suffering so that I can learn? I suck so bad as a potential minister, I need my baby daughter to get cancer in order to form me into an acceptable candidate? The Universe operates in such a way that she will be sacrificed so that I can better help others, some day? The world will be a better place, because she got cancer???
It's all in the delivery; all in the messenger.
So last time around, I flatly refused for anything good to come of this. Because it felt like there was a backward message: that if something good came from it, that therefore was the cause.
Which isn't logical, but it's a pretty common fallacy. "See, it all happened for a reason!" (Just talk to Pastor Hagee.)
I found a way to make my peace with that. Because the truth is, we can learn and grow through every experience. That doesn't mean the experience was the only way for us to learn the lesson; it doesn't mean that lesson was worth it. And it definitely doesn't mean the lesson caused the event from which it sprang.
Still and all, though, it's hard. If I were the one with cancer, well heck, I would be the one paying the price, so any "benefit" I could get from it, bring it on!
When it's your child who has cancer, that just doesn't work.
This last week, my darling sister-in-law, AdventureGirl, brought one of her superfriends down and they planned out -- and purchased -- a deck for our backyard. She's very outdoorsy (she's a little boy, she'd rather sleep on the cold hard grown with bugs crawling all over here than be in a luxurious four-poster featherbed) and it was just killing her, having to tell Little Warrior, "No, you can't go out. The sun is still up." So, she decided LW needed a deck, pronto, with a popup screened gazebo, which she also purchased.
This weekend, friends of ours came over to help with the laboring. There's still work to be done, but we are almost in possession of a fabulous deck that will apparently outlast our actual house.
We have a deck! A fabulous, sturdy deck!
And it's because LW has cancer again.
You see the problem.
So, I think I've made peace, and for the most part I have, but it's still a struggle. This experience does bring with it some positives. We're getting to see more of family than normal. We get to meet really amazing people. All of us, friends and family, are more willing to speak of our love for each other.
And walnut butter. I mentioned the walnut butter, right?
And now, we've flat leaped into making lemon pie, with Love Through Action. Let the world benefit, in some small way, from this spunky, funny kid fighting cancer.
Because I know, and am peaceful with, the fact that no deck, no good deed, nothing othing wothing ... makes it worth it.