Monday, June 30, 2008

Icy cold fear

I understand why they call fear "cold." It is. Occasionally, I think about what is happening tomorrow, and I feel streams of ice-cold adrenaline shoot through my veins. Forget freon, you could run a fridge off a liter of my blood right now.

But today had a lovely start. Little Warrior loves eggy and toast -- strips of crisp buttered toast dunked into a salted soft-boiled egg. Because of being immuno-compromised, we haven't allowed her to have any. We explained why, but she was sad.

Then --duh! I thought of pasteurized eggs. After searching several stores, I found some this weekend. Score!

Last night, I told her that she could have eggy and toast for breakfast when she woke up. Her face lit up.

"Is cancer over???" she squealed.

Ow. "No, honey. But Mama found some special eggs and got them just for you! They're safe, so you can have a soft egg!"

This morning, she climbed on me, not-so-gently patting me. "You gotta get up! You gotta get up and make eggy toast! See! The sun is up! Day is here!"

Last night, The Husband put up our cheapy screened tent-gazebo. Hey, as long as it makes it through October. Little Warrior put the bread in the toaster and pushed the lever down. I cooked three perfect 4 minute eggs for Bo Peep and us.

We took it all outside and free from mosquitos, enjoyed our breakfast. You would have thought a soft-boiled egg was ambrosia, with the look of bliss on LW's face, as she ate delicate spoonfuls with the silver demitasse spoons we use just for this. We listened to the birds sing.


Tomorrow morning, not so much. LW and I will leave the house by 6:00, to get to the hospital by 7:15. She will drink glass after glass of contrast and (for the first time), we will attempt to get a CT scan without anesthesia. Today, she and I will practice holding still for 10 minutes at a time.

As of right now, our hope is that LW is cancer-free. That the surgery removed it all. That we are doing chemo and radiation in case there's any stray cells that escaped.

There is an inverse risk/result ratio going on. The risk that tumors will have developed while she is getting these high-powered chemos is small. But if they have developed, then the result is very, very bad. Because it will mean that they are so aggressive, getting chemo didn't slow them down.

Icy. Cold. Fear.


uumomma said...

I will hold this story of eggs and tents in my heart and head today, as I go about the business of re-acquainting myself with my daughters after too much time with my head down at work. I will hold it in my heart as I pray for the news to be good for you, for LW, for your family. And as I take the time, finally, to do the good work your daughter's fight calls for.

ms. kitty said...

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, I feel that icy feeling too. But I will think of eggy toast and the love that binds you all despite the fear and I will pray for eggy toast forever. Or at least till you're all tired of it.

plaidshoes said...

I will be thinking of you both tomorrow. I will pray for positive, cancer-free results!

kim said...

OH! No one should have to go through this. I will be sending good thoughts your way, and hoping for a cancer-free result.

Christina said...

This is the first time I've commented as I've never found the right words to say, andperhaps still haven't.
I really enjoy your blog for it's honesty. It's not full of negativity or self-pity, yet it shows what you are experiencing through a realistic perspective. Does that make sense? I don't even remember how I stumbled across your blog, but I joined the Love Through Action group on Facebook as did some of my friends.
What brought me finally to comment is your soft boiled eggs. I'm wondering if it's the same thing I learned to make in Germany - weichgekochtes Ei.
I boil it for 7 min, cool it off with cold water, break off the top, add pepper (some add salt, too) and eat it out of the shell with a spoon. Is it the same thing?

jbgrinch said...

And the wait begins, Ill sit here at my computer each morning till I find your next post and read the new good or bad and then cry, one way or another I know Ill cry. Good luck and Ill keep you both in my prayers

Elizabeth said...

Still here. Still being with you and your family in spirit as much as one can do that. Still praying, hoping. Wishing. And sending positive, healing, peaceful thoughts.

Robin Edgar said...

You might find The Litany Against Fear from Dune to be helpful at times. I have found that there is not much point in feeling anxiety and fear about the unknown. Instead of feeling fear about what might be , try to remain stoic and unafraid until you know what is. . .

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death
that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me
and through me.
And when it has gone past
I will turn the inner eye
to see its path.
Where the fear has gone
there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

Christine Robinson said...

Icy fear aside (but they won't tell you anything for a few days, right, so tomorrow won't be so bad?)

Icy fear aside, I'm thinking that it will be such a very grown-up thing LW will be doing, drinking that horrid stuff and lying still for 10 minutes.
She's amazing! I hope you'll be able to enjoy her triumph.

Keeping you in my prayers...

cheryl said...

peace to you today

MoonMystic said...

Continuing in prayer and sending energy your way. Holding our collective breath until we hear results. Hugs to you all.

PS: eggy toast will forever be in my vocabulary now. Wonderful!