And everything else that's going on.
"How are YOU doing," asks a friend.
I'm doing fine! I assure her. Then I add, Except for when I'm not.
The latter is rare, I'm happy to say. LW looks fine, acts fine ... well, truth be told, she occasionally acts like a little toot, because she's 2 and that's what she is. But she's also funny and fat and energetic. So ... cognitive dissonance.
She was weaned about a month ago. I have slowly started nursing her again, see if I can get my supply again. After more than a decade of nursing, it shouldn't be a problem, says DRE-BFF, who is also an LLL. (La Leche League Leader.) Not that she'll get much nutrition that way, but since there are adult cancer patients who are drinking breast milk in the hope that it'll help, it seems silly for me not to. I don't know if it was the breast milk, but last time around, her counts never dropped, an amazing thing. Don't judge me.
I sit her down and look at her seriously. It's not that you're not a big girl, I explain, it's just that you'll be going to the hospital for surgery, so that's why I'm letting you nurse. Okay?
Yeah whatever, Mom. Who cares? Boobies! Yay!!!
I worry that she's like a recovered crack addict, given another hit. Will she wind up on the street, trying to score from the new mother down the street? Strung out, offering her precious teddy bear for half an ounce of breast milk?
I began the South Beach diet Monday a week ago, the day before we took her for scans. I'm still on it. Hey, it's one thing I can control. I get up this morning, and so far, I've lost 7 1/2 lbs. I find myself humming, Feeling Groovy, while making breakfast. I marvel at that. Don't judge me.
Read the online news. Am glad to see that I wasn't the only person disgusted by the questions ABC asked (or didn't ask) last night.
I'm trying to fatten LW up. Whole milk, tempting foods. Anyone know where I can buy some plumpy'nut? (Just kidding.) The other night after dinner, she wheedles, "Can I have another cookie?" I automatically say No ... then shake my head at my idiocy. Kid, you can have as many cookies as you can stuff down your gullet. Especially since your siblings have already gone to bed and can't squawk about it. Don't judge me.
Gotta get back to my school work. I'm trying to finish off all my Ethics work, so I don't have to worry about that. Have completed my term paper on capital punishment. Trying to get at least two weeks ahead for my online class.
In the midst of this all, our music chair quits. As worship chair, it seems to be falling to me. I've been communicating to our leadership that I Can't Take This On, but no one seems to be moving. This may take Strong Words.
Tonight, I take the kids to the doctor -- the three older ones need to get all their upcoming vaccinations in case LW goes on chemo. Afterwards, a trip to Toys R Us. Don't judge me.
Surgery will probably be next Thursday or Friday. We're waiting final confirmation, because our surgeon wants the kidney surgeon to help him. So it'll be the same team that operated last time. That makes me feel better.
So ... I'm fine. But just in case, I'm not wearing eye makeup. Because I don't know when "except when I'm not" will hit.
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12 comments:
What a wonderful thing that you can offer such comfort to LW! A Healthy High for you both! Everybody who has to have surgery should something like that!
And I always did feel that stressful times were the best time to diet...something good might as well come out of this!
Let us know the date when you know so we can hold you close!
I liked this post a lot. Can I judge you as awesome?
I have to say that when I think about you I am just amazed. I seem to be struggling to do the most minor things and you handle life with such grace.
What they said. ;-)
It is an honor to read your posts. Thank you! I'm saying a prayer for you and your family.
At my first church we had a three year old who would walk out of his Sunday school class, saunter up the aisle of the sanctuary, climb under mama's blouse in the front row on the aisle, and nurse.
He didn't have cancer, just a helluva lot of teeth and a perfect mastery of the English language. He usually did this in the middle of my sermon.
"Doesn't that bother you?" people would ask.
How could it bother me? Doesn't everyone get hungry at that time?
Anybody gives you any guff, send 'em my way, twin.
I pray only the best for you and LW, though you're certainly not getting it on the moment-by-moments. :/
I think it's wonderful that you can provide the comfort of breastfeeding. As a somewhat-ancient adoptive mother, I'm kind of glad that that didn't even enter my head when my small son was on fire with a UTI. (I do know that people take hormones and lactate, but I seriously wasn't up for that.)
About the music thing: I think you should feel free to let there not be music if someone else isn't picking it up. That will usually get someone else to pick it up.
You are amazing.
I myself wear waterproof mascara at all times. :)
I never thought about breast milk helping in a situation where there was cancer involved, but it makes complete sense to me. I was only able to nurse for 3 months but take complete credit my son's immune system of steel, anyway. Who can prove it wasn't me, anyway?
I am thinking so much about you and your family. Hold on tight and know there are many people who are lifting you up right now.
yes, you are amazing indeed. thank you for sharing your journey with us.
You are such a role model in this, LE. I don't know if I could do what you're doing, but I guess I'd do the best I could. My son's ups and downs seem pretty tame after your life with LW. You're in my heart.
LE - Judge? You're doing what's right for you & LW and that's as it should be. Wishing you the best - and as others have said, let us know when surgery is scheduled so we can all pray/send good energy/hold you in the light...
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