Raging

You think you learned things, that first go round? Think you're on another level? Get real.

It doesn't matter. Sure, you found a new definition of God and came to peace with some things and realized some things and understand some things.

It. Doesn't. Matter.

Because here I am again, silently screaming in my head, "It's NOT FAIR!!!!"

I don't want to go back to that world!

I don't want to walk around with a 100 lb weight on my heart.

I don't want to cry every single day.

I don't want to have to try this explain this to her. Don't want to buy prizes and bribes for letting them dig around in her.

And my older three. This is changing who they are. IT IS CHANGING THE PEOPLE THEY ARE AND THE PEOPLE THEY WILL BECOME. And there's not single thing I can do about it.

Over and over again, It's Not Fair. It's Not Fair. It's Not Fair. And no matter how I try to not do it, no matter how much I know that it doesn't work like this, the universe doesn't punish a parent by giving a child cancer, there is no lesson good enough to justify cancer, still ... my thoughts race.

Is it because I was beginning to take it for granted? Because I wasn't scared enough? Because I'm not generous enough? Because I joked that if it happened again, it was God telling me not to be a minister? Is that the truth, or am I being punished for acting as if ministry were a whim, dependent on the good fortune I received?

Why can't it be me this time?

I'm not nursing a baby anymore. LW can go in daycare; she'd probably love it. The other three are in school. Let it be me this time. Let me be the one.

I

Want

To

Scream