Monday, April 14, 2008

I think I'll cancel that interview

I have an interview Friday, an interview that was set up a month ago. It is to be interviewed by a UU minister, if you are in pursuit of UU ministry. It's the first step of many interviews.

I really thought of keeping it. I'm hungry to get the ball rolling, in terms of UUA paperwork. Get the minister interview done, the district executive one (whoops, gotta cancel that, too), go get my head shrunk at one of those career centers ...

I'm waiting on a call from LW's surgeon to schedule the surgery. Chances are good that it won't be this week. So I'll be available. Physically.

But I have to admit that I don't think it's a good idea. This minister doesn't know me. So here are my choices:

a) Do the interview and not mention that my daughter might have cancer again. Yeah right. I do not have ice water in my veins. Plus, it seems dishonest, for some reason. I mean, I'm not applying for a job. But as much as I might want to pretend that this is no big deal, it is.

b) Do the interview and do mention it ... oh, I don't think that's right, either. For one thing, depending on my mood swing of the moment, I just might start bawling if she showed any sympathy. But also, I think it puts her in a bad place. Any minister would try to give a fair assessment, but who wants to be in the position of slamming a cancer-Mom? And then there's the issue of "is this really 'me'" ... she doesn't know me. So am I acting like this because of the cancer or am I like this normally? Whatever "this" is ...

So I think I'm going to cancel. Besides, I have two classes that I want to complete my work in, a house to clean before a relative comes in to stay, and oh yeah ... time to freak out, every now and then.

I'm in a weird place. Last time, I didn't even have the chance to grab clean clothes ... went to playgroup in the morning and before night, we were in the hospital. Everything screeched to a stop.

This time, it's different. I can pack. I can notify. I can clean house and have fresh food in the refrigerator. I can continue my classwork.

So ... it kind of seems like normal life, for the moment. Except it isn't.

I think it's the right decision.


h sofia said...

Some people feel the need to carry on as though everything is normal - not changing a thing - in order to feel normal. But not me. There's nothing wrong with making adjustments, putting off appts that can wait, etc. so that there's energy to cope with the most pressing things.

ms. kitty said...

I think you're doing the right thing too, LE. It's important that you be as present as possible. The minister is going to be empathetic no matter what. And I think it makes sense to tell her why you're postponing/cancelling, so she won't think you're not really committed. She'll realize that your commitment to your daughter is primo.

And we lit a candle for you all yesterday.

Ms. Theologian said...

I think Ms. Kitty's idea about telling why you're cancelling is a really good one.

Anonymous said...

just wanted you to know that we in Cincinnati are sending good thoughts and prayers for health and good outcomes your way. I think you have your priorities in the right order, and sharing the reason for the rearranged appointment will protect your future options.

cinci mom

Earthbound Spirit said...

I agree with Ms. Kitty - and just wanted to let you know that I'm still holding you and your family in my thoughts, as I also swing into the home stretch of the semester! Because I don't quite know how to share your struggles with my home congregation, I considered the candle "for those joys and concerns we hold in our hearts" to be for you, LW, and the rest of the family yesterday.

Hang in there. You are surrounded by a communion of well, if not saints, at least of caring and concerned folks.