A friend and I were talking about the end of LW's treatment. I explained that I was more nervous about being off-treatment than on. Once chemo ends, what's going to happen? She said, "oh, so you're just going to have to trust the universe."
No, no. I explained that I don't trust the universe. I mean, it's not any kind of antagonism, it's just a neutral thing. How can I "trust the universe" when I have so many friends who are in excruciating pain because their child has died? Um, sorry, but trust in one hand, spit in the other, see which fills up faster ...
It's the same as those with great faith in a sentient God who say, "Trust in God," "Trust in Jesus," etc. I just cock my head at that ... I don't understand. Many children die every day. God doesn't keep that from happening.
I'm sure they'd say something then like, "If that happens, it's because God (or the universe) has a plan."
And at that point, I try not to roll my eyes.
I don't trust in the universe; I don't really understand the concept. Along with "everything happens for a reason," and "cancer parents are special," that idea left me the day we were told, "Your daughter has a tumor." The first time.
Glad for those who draw comfort from the idea that it does, but for me, um, no. Especially not today, when I find out that in another one of our Wilms' families, a family whose child really has been a miracle -- and I don't say that generically, this is a child who was not expected to make it through one night and he survived that, but is still fighting cancer -- in this family, a family of tremendous faith, Mom just was diagnosed with her own, very serious, cancer.
I have another friend whose child is fighting cancer at the same time my friend's father is fighting cancer. Talk about the sandwich generation.
So, no, when LW goes off chemo, I won't just calmly trust the universe.
I will do as I did last time ... try to live fully between the scans that will come every three months. If I'm lucky, and capable, I'll do okay for most of the time, just losing my mind during the week before each scan.
And if I'm very lucky, that scan will show that I get to do the same for 3 more months. Until the next scan.