Friday, May 16, 2008

Ready for this week to end

Not because of Little Warrior ... yes, it's been a week of getting up at 5:45 am every morning for a 7:30 am radiation appointment, but it's been okay. It's been offset by the fact that the people there are really amazing, loving people. Will have to write about one of them, "Hummingbird Nurse" at another time ...

But because this week has been one of just sucky, sucky news. And all from CancerWorld.

My second cousin (is that it? the wife of my mother's first cousin? Second cousin by marriage or once removed or something like that ...?)

Anyway, she's been like an aunt my whole life. Went in for gall bladder surgery, to come out with a diagnosis of Breast Cancer, Stage IV.

Effity effity efff.

And one of my good blogging friends, whom I've gotten to know during the past two years; we've even exchanged "real life" Christmas cards and addresses ... and she's gotten scary news and has to go in for surgery next week.

And one of The Husband's coworker's husband ... just diagnosed. Wants our advice in getting into Prestigious Cancer Hospital.

And Pretty Pretty Little Girl ... diagnosed a couple of months after LW (the first time). With Wilm's Tumor. A week ago, it was scary, but her father was planning on her upcoming stem cell rescue and thinking about where she'd go to school after treatment.

Today, they are planning her funeral.

In the cancer-parent world, we call it "earning her angel wings." Because we can't bear to say "died."

She earned her wings Wednesday. So fast, this time. Right before she left, she told her grandparents she loved them.

Just. Too. Much.

Turned on a music video show. Got irrationally angry at Kurt Cobain and Heath Ledger and everyone who has ever committed suicide or died because of a stupid mistake.

Including my brother.

Even though I realize ... just a few weeks ago, when we got the confirmation that the cancer had come back to LW ... perhaps for the first time, I really experienced the kind of emotional pain that made me understand why someone would end their life. It wasn't even remotely something I considered, but I understood ... how, if I felt that the pain would never abate, I could want to end my life.

This was huge. No matter how short it lasts, I believe life to be the most amazing gift. Even if the short time we have is all we have ... even if we only live one day ... just to live is an amazing, incredible gift.

But I understood that the pain can be heavier than the gift.

(Deep sigh.)

Little Warrior is doing great. No nausea, no hair loss, no fatigue. But that's because we just we've only just begun.

A kiss for luck and we're on our way ...


ms. kitty said...

What a heavy load for your week, LE. I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this concern and grief for others while you focus on Little Warrior's treatment. You're in my prayers.

Anna Banana said...

You're an inspiration to those of us with problems you would rather have. Thank you for being so open and clear with your love for your family and friends. And LW! What an amazing kid, and lucky to have you right there with her. Thinking of you both.

uuMomma said...

Grace. That should be your name. You are the embodyment of it. Let me echo what anna banana said, 'you are an inspiration to those of us with problems you would rather have.' You all are in my prayers.

goodwolve said...

Oh sweetie...

Masasa said...

That is one heavy week indeed. (((Love)))

jbgrinch said...

your strengh is overwhelming, I dont know if I could deal with all that you do. I only wish I could do more then keep you and yours in my prayers