Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Letter to Myself For the Next Scan Time

Dear Lizard Eater,

Three months from now (pleaseGodknockwoodThankyewJesus) when it's time for Little Warrior to have her routine CT and MRI, please revisit this letter.

When you ask yourself, "Is it getting worse? I don't remember being this freaked out last time. OH GOD. Maybe it's because I'm somehow sensing something ..." Read this: YES. YOU WERE THIS FREAKED OUT LAST TIME. You want to think that this is going to get easier. It is not going to.

Right now, I am extremely irritable. I am seeing connections that are not logical, such as:

"LW had bad diaper rash right before she was diagnosed. She has bad diaper rash right now. OH GOD what if it means the cancer has come back?"

Note: do not share the above worry with anyone who won't immediately say, "Oh, don't be silly. They're not related." Like Friend L who said, "Well, maybe the cancer coming back would make her immune system not be working well."

NOT HELPFUL.

In fact, Lizard, maybe you should just stay away from human contact for a week. Have a week of isolation. Except for your husband and 4 kids. Hmm. Perhaps you could bind and gag them?

Do not watch any medical shows, like House, because that will surely be the one week out of the entire season when the spotlighted patient actually dies.

Don't even think that you can get in some good escapist tv, like American Idol. Because just as surely, that'll be the week they do "Idol Cares" and show people all over the planet, especially babies, dying. Next week, back to the metaphorical dying on stage.

You will be emotional. You will be pissy. Don't read email, because then you'll probably get some email like the one this week from the American Cancer Society, bragging that they give 4.2% of their research money to childhood cancer. A whopping 4.2%!!! What, you're not thrilled?

Next scans, next scans, next scans. Well, if all goes well with these scans (pleaseGodetc.) ... wait. Sorry, I'm just in the middle of anticipating that incredible lifting, that hysterical joy ...

Okay, if all is well with these scans, then next scans will be in July. All the monkeys will be at home; need to arrange for their adopted grandma to come spend the day. Wonder if LW will still be nursing? If she is, figure out a drink she likes, so she can have it when she wakes up from the anesthesia.

Next scans ... July, I mean ... that will mark a year off-treatment.

Breathe ... breathe ... suppress the urge to run around the house knocking on wood and screaming prayers to Jesus, Allah, Thor, Kali and whomever else is listening.

So, in summary, Three-Months-From-Now-Lizard-Eater:

Yes. You were this freaked out last time.

5 comments:

ms. kitty said...

She is going to be okay. You are going to be okay. She is going to be okay. You are going to be okay. She is going to be okay. You are going to be okay. You and she and all your kin are in the arms of God. We are with you there.

uuMomma said...

Oh, don't be silly. They are not related. At all. Coincidence only.

Peace be with you and all of your family.

Christine Robinson said...

I'll keep you in my prayers, LE. So hard...

Christine Robinson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nancy said...

You are definitely not being silly.

Do things that are as brainless as possible or get your mind of things if you can.

On the way home from the doctor during my second miscarriage, I made my husband stop at the video store, and I rented Deliverance. I watched that, drank a bottle of wine, and completely forgot about the agonizing pain altogether (I can *almost* laugh about that now).

My thoughts and prayers are with you.