Saturday, August 08, 2009

Softly and Tenderly

Masasa started a conversation about call on Ms. Kitty's blog.

I can't say when my first call happened -- there were quiet urges, people saying, "You really should ..." when I did lay speaking, thoughts of "If I were a minister, I'd ..." and the like. I ignored the urges, blew off the comments as people just being kind, and as a parent, I knew the danger of thinking, "I'm not a ____, but if I were, I'd ..." (All parents say something similar about parenting before we become parents, and incur the wrath of the karma fairy when we discover it's not actually that simple.)

I was a mom of three, planning on a fourth. Not really something that lends itself to ministry, I explained to myself.

And then I went to Long Beach. And received what was to me, a hit-you-over-the-head, burning bush, road to Damascus call. I started this blog. Writing about the call was my first post. (I was more succinct then.) I entered seminary.

Confirmation of the call continued. Turn on the radio, it was a song about call. Open a book, it had a character being called. Seeing what I wanted to see, coincidence, divine intervention -- shrug. What others think is not important. To me, they were little gifts, tossed by the universe onto my path, breadcrumbs to keep me walking the trail.

I had a baby.

I made plans to return to seminary.

My baby had cancer.

It wouldn't be accurate to say that I lost my call. I lost the belief in any call, for any person. I did not believe in Call. I was in the desert, stripped of any belief in any force, any spirit, any concept of God. There was no mystery, transcending or no.

And then, after I had a period of healing, Spirit came back. And said, it's not just about what you want. It's both parts of the equation. You want Ministry. And Ministry wants you.

Flaming power of egotism, to feel I was called, and then called back, to ministry? I am always concerned about that. Who the heck am I to think that God/the Universe/Life Itself has called me to serve its cause, as a minister?

I still don't have an answer for that. But I feel called. If I could be satisfied with doing anything else in life, I'd do it. But this is beyond wanting.

It's call.

3 comments:

ms. kitty said...

Well said, LE. Thanks.

Masasa said...

Oh, joy, joy...you wrote about this too! Thank you!

ogre said...

Beyond wanting.

Amen.

... oh, and yes, very subtle. I noticed that too. I know the sense of terror you wrote of.