Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Waking Up

Last week, as I was falling asleep, The Voice asked me, "What would make you happy right now?"

"For Little Warrior to not have cancer, to be skinny again, and to have a clean house," I answered promptly.

"Well," said The Voice in a gently mocking tone, "Two of those, you can take care of, all by yourself." And in a softer tone, The Voice said, "As for the other, you've done as much as you can do."

The next morning, when I woke up ... I Woke Up.

Today, I took Little Warrior for what I hope was her last time to get her finger pricked at the local doctor's office for a CBC. Afterwards, we stopped at Starbucks or as she calls it, the Cinnamon Cake Store, for a piece of cinnamon coffee cake. She was happy and jabbering away at everyone. "You're so pretty," said the lady behind us. "No, I'm Froggy Girl," LW corrected her. (Her secret superhero identity.)

"I have never seen her not smiling!" exclaimed the Barrista.

Oh, I have.

Having gone through this twice, I am a bit bemused that both times, ideas left me. I don't mean I was hopeless, or didn't think about things, or all was dark.

I mean ideas. Those butterfly gems that flit in and around you. Some go through your head then quickly disappear ... I know I had a good idea earlier ... some stay and grow, turning into sermons or projects or articles. I am an idea person. I don't mean that as a brag. "She has a thousand dreams, that won't come true. You know that she believes in them, and that's enough for you." For every one good idea that I follow up on, there are a hundred others that fall by the wayside. To have none swimming through my head leaves a cold vacuum.

Butterfly gems ... yep, that's how I see them. Imagine a big ole diamond with wings. Hard to catch. But if you're real still ... or, you know, have a butterfly net ...

First time we did cancer, I didn't know that the butterfly gems would come back. I just knew that I would never get in the pulpit again, would never go back to seminary, would never be a minister. Because I had nothing to say.

This time, I guess I subconsciously knew that it was just part of cancer, for me at least. So, I filled the vacuum by reading a lot of internet, watching a lot of tv. The political season provided a nice distraction.

Years ago, my sister left her abusive husband. It wasn't an up-and-do-it thing. It was well planned, took about 6 months. During that time, along with secretly packing things away, she became obsessed with the OJ trial. OB-SESSED. Didn't miss a minute of it, watched all the analysis, everything.

So I guess she and I have another thing in common.

This morning, driving to the doctor's office, driving to Starbucks, butterfly gems are all around. I'm glad they've come back.

Next week, we'll go for scans to find out if Cancer, The Sequel is over with. For now, at least. If they are, I'll go over to my seminary to pick up the spring semester registration form and make an appointment with my advisor.

Intro to Pastoral Care. Sounds good. And you know, I just might have some ideas on that topic. If I can catch them.


plaidshoes said...

I so hope all the scans come up clear! I really like the phrase butterfly gems, it really captures what they are.

Christine Robinson said...

humm...for somebody who has not had any "ideas", you've been writing an awfully interesting Blog as you did what you could.

But I'll look forward to it all the more as you catch some of those butterflies.

Kari said...

So glad the butterfly gems are back.

ms. kitty said...

I'm with Christine----seems like you've offered us a lot of ideas. I too hope that cancer is over forever.

ogre said...

I saw butterflies here.

You had eyes focused on other things, and the butterfly net was under the bed somewhere.

Trees fell in the forest--but there were other sounds filling your ears. Look around and you may find the forest giants littering the landscape.

Nancy said...

I know what you are talking about. About ideas leaving. I think I might have mentioned it before, but I spent the first year of Erik's life watching Dawson's Creek and having a cocktail well before noon each day. Right or wrong, it's what I did because I ached and turned off. I still need fillers to distract me...Dr. Phil (whom I love to hate) and a glass of wine at 3 and brainless movies on the ladies' channels when I am not working. These things have led me to find more distractions that are better for me (and more socially acceptable, although I don't care much about that anymore). Cooking. Friends. Working out. It's all part of the process.