Choosing "Happy"

I haven't blogged in several days, not because things are bad, but because they are good and I've needed some time to gather my thoughts.

My trip to Corpus was terrific and provided just what I needed. I sat, looked at the waves, talked with The Husband and how All Of This has changed us and just let go.

Cried. Thought. Sat. Talked.

And as I walked away from the shoreline, I was given my gift. A quick moment of clarity.

First, some history from long ago.

Lizard Eater was about 12 years old. She walked into one of her middle school classes, dramatically dropped her books next to her friend Marla and announced, "I'm mad."

Drily, Marla said, "You're always mad."

Eureka! Aha! Kaboom!

Three little words but they changed me. At 12 years old, I realized that gee, I don't want to be known as the person who is always mad. People don't enjoy being around someone who is always mad. And people don't take you seriously when you're genuinely mad, if you're mad all the time.

In my little Judy Blume diary, I wrote, "That's it. I'm changing. I'm going to be known as 'the happy person' from now on."

Fast forward.

Walking away from the shoreline, I had the thought ... I can be happy for my children's sake. Their lives will be better if I'm happy. It will affect who they are.

This is perhaps very obvious to many of you, but to me, something new. To be happy is, in this case, to be NOT selfish. Or as Willy Wonka would say, "Strike that. Reverse it."

Now, I'm not talking about denying true feelings. I'm not talking about being ooooh so sweet and pretending to be happy. I'm talking about saying, okay, if I *can* be happy, I'm gonna be.

Last spring, I couldn't have been.

The future ... well, who knows.

But now. Right now, today, I can be happy.

So when I can be, I will be.