Going through Something Like This, I don't think that being emotional is the worst. I mean, really, it can be a pain in the ass, when every single choir singing, every Hallmark commercial, the Christmas episode of Mork and Mindy for cripes sake, can make me tear up. But it isn't the worst.
The worst is when Spock Brain surfaces. Like Mr. Spock and his Vulcan side, my brain will occasionally go to 100% logical. No human emotion. Just logic. It surprises me ... and as soon as I realize it's happened, I feel physically ill.
Like last night. I was packing up the kids' lunches. We have three Laptop Lunchboxes and I noted that in a Fall 2010, when Little Warrior goes to school, we'll need a fourth. I should probably order one.
Spock Brain, always logical, said, "Better wait and see."
And my head popped up, realizing the thought.
And I felt punched in my stomach. By my own self.
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You know, Spock was wrong a lot of the time. Order it anyway.
What's wonderful is that you are able to live with the wonder and grace of each day and that you're not constantly bent double by the possibilities of the future. The occasional stab of Spock (love the metaphor!) is a small price to pay for the other 23.8 hours of the day.
P.S.If your older kids will keep those lunch boxes nice for two more years, they are amazing kids.
Sometimes I do the same thing. It's a way to tell myself the worst case scenario and not be crushed later in case the horrible does occur. I think of Erik dropping dead from a heart attack on a gym floor during PE and never graduating high school. I tell myself I will never have to worry about the stuff grandmothers get to do, so why bother saving anything for the grandkids I will never have. The truth is...I don't know. Maybe the best case scenario will happen. But I don't want to bank on that because I will be crushed.
This state of mind is part of survival mode. I hate it, too, but it happens. It's just a way to protect yourself. It's not really us...it's just part of our autopilot program.
Here's to the best case scenario and being surprised with miracles.
I wonder what the survival/evolutionary reason for worry or doubt is? I mean my mother spent 75 years worrying about everything and it never made her happy and yet she still did it - there must be a logical reason for it. And don't beat yourself up - I keep thinking that I have to make the holiday season more "meaningful" and yet all I want to do is crawl up on the couch and read Monk Novels. We are terribly human.
Oh Honey..... You are not even two months out. What they don't tell you is "End of Treatment" is the beginning of "Now We Wait and Worry". Mary-Elizabeth finished treatment a week shy of two years ago. This November I went on line and put myself in the lotto for tickets for the 2010 Olympics. After I hit "purchase" for the most expensive tickets known to man and beast, I realized that I was planning for something beyond next week or the end of the month.
It takes a while. A long while.
The thought that goes through my mind on occation is "I hope and pray that I never am in the position to christen a boat after my daughter." She has become a huge rower and that is what I would do if she were to ever decide this world no suited her.
Worry and doubt are just part of our job.
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