Before All of This, I was planning on going back to seminary this next semester.
Now, no way. At best, Little Warrior will be 2 months off treatment. I need a couple of "everything's okay" CT scans to go by.
When All of This began, I had this immediate thought of, "Okay, so I'm never going to go back to seminary. This is going to make me not want to be a minister. " The old "rage against God," thing.
Except that never happened.
I never did rage against God. Instead, this just kind of cemented what I already had percolating in my head ... that God is a concept we can't get our heads around, and God is not responsible for everything that happens. Kind of the Deist thought ... the world was created, and then we were off on our own.
It's not that clear-cut for me. I see so many things that are just too coincidental. Too many things connecting. I see everything as being part of a giant Spider web, one thing connected to the other.
But how do I reconcile that with my firm belief that Little Warrior's cancer did not "happen for a reason"? I cannot believe that anything would be dependent on her suffering and facing death. I do not believe, as a nurse cheerfully told me in the hospital, that this happened to LW "to teach all of us lessons." Perhaps the Christian God was willing to sacrifice his son for mankind; I am not a God, and I am not willing for my child to in any way be a sacrificial lamb. And certainly not so that other people can "learn lessons."
My brain is a Cuisinart right now. No clarity.
But I'm planning on going back to seminary next January. Good Lord willin' and the creek don't rise.
Oh, did you slap that nurse??? What is it about Stupid Nurse Comments? I could compile a book.
ReplyDeleteI like the spider web concept. Interesting.
ReplyDelete"Our hearts are restless 'til they rest in Thee."
ReplyDeleteI don't think God orchestrates all our affairs -- we're incarnate beings and heir to all the fragilities that being enfleshed involves, none of which God specifically chooses for us -- but I believe that God is the energy that created you and your Little Warrior and that in God's cosmic way, loves you quite specifically and is woven into the very essence of your being. Ain't no distance in that, but I'm not a Deist by a long shot.
I rage against God all the time just for making us sentient, with consciousness of our mortality, which SUCKS. But of course our lives would be devoid of meaning (or the urge to meaning-make) if we went blissfully along thinking it was all for forever (and can you imagine the reaction when someone died? Each time it would be like, "Where's Ted? Haven't seen him around since his 94th birthday party. Hmmm. I wonder what could have possibly happened to him?"
Speaking of stupid nurses, I just heard the story of a nurse who tried to sneak in a last-minute conversion on a former congregant of mine. His beloved former wife was in the room with him as he was dying and she pulled a marvelous spiritual ninja move and kindly but FIRMLY kicked the nurse out the door. I love that. It was like, "Thank you for trying to save Fred's immortal soul but he thinks he's just fine without accepting Jesus Christ as his personal lord and savior. Please leave us alone now."
Fred was unconscious but he would have LOVED it. Bless his heart.