Monday, September 20, 2004

Emotionally hurricaned

This -- going to divinity school -- is much more emotionally charged than I expected. I feel stripped raw, and completely alone, which I am. I know it's for a reason, the being alone. It's following the pattern set by me going to GA completely alone, not even meeting anyone I knew for dinner. I know that it's part of the process, for me to have no one whom I can turn to for guidance ... heck, the fact that we lost our minister the month I started school -- obviously, I need to be completely and utterly alone, with no support, so that I can find what I need within me.

It's damn hard.

Okay, so here's the deal ... imagine that there is this one thing that you feel so strongly, passionately about ... so much so, that you get called to make it your mission in life.

BUT ... in order to make it your mission in life, you have to enter a world where all the inhabitants not only negate this one thing you believe in so strongly, they vilify it. Most of them without even realizing that it is *your* religion. AND, you have to learn to speak as they do, seeing what you believe in so strongly through their eyes, justifying their beliefs.

It's exhausting, draining, all those words.

Oh, and you feel that the leader of this little world is hoping that you will change, turn away from what got you here in the first place. So he drops hints about how what you believe is mortally and morally wrong. All said with compassion, and in a gentle voice. He wants you to be Saved.

I know, I know, I know that this is good for me and part of the plan ... strip away, God. Strip away. Oh, and thanks for my copy of InterConnections arriving today. It was a nice sign to pick that up from the mailbox on my way in the house.

Oh, a bit of levity. As I was driving home, I thought with some exasperation, "Can you believe it? I actually feel physically ill from all this!" Then the rational part of me pointed out that, No, it's morning sickness. You haven't eaten in 5 hours.


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